Ranting on Craigslist about Seattle Queer Dating

The following is a Craigslist ad I posted a couple of days ago, in response to another person’s rant about gay/queer men and dating in Seattle. The feedback I received was, for the most part, positive and encouraging.

RE: What’s up with all the men in Seattle, all flakes?
Posted on Craigslist on 09/01/08 by On Being Queer and Dating in Seattle

[note: The first couple of sentences below indicates that I'm responding to another individual's post.]


I feel you. I was just chatting with a good friend of mine about how I’m trying really hard NOT to be cynical about the dating situation with gay/queer men in the city…

I do not understand how come so many gay men complain, over and over, about wanting to date an attractive, stable, mature partner, who is successful in their own way and has similar hobbies/interests---but inevitably never finds him.

I have several thoughts on this:

1) I agree with you that Seattle men, well I would also argue that Pacific NW people in general, are PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. Just be straightforward, say what you mean and mean what you say. Is that so hard? It’s called accountability, which I think is a good quality in a GOOD PARTNER. It’s called being a grown up AND having faith that another grown up can take rejection if you decline their flirtations or invitation for a date. Call the man and tell him you’re not interested in the date anymore. At the very least, another human being deserves that courtesy and respect, especially if he mustered the courage to ask you out on a date in the first place.

2) If you are so afraid of rejection, are you really ready to date someone? Not that anyone is ever really done with being insecure in life, but some of us are more adept at owning emotional baggage/insecurities rather than letting it own us. Dating is about taking risks and feeling emotionally vulnerable. You can’t have all the good without feeling fear at first. That’s all normal. And so what if you walk up to someone, give him a compliment, and he turns you down. If he only knew you for those few seconds at a bar, can that really ruin the rest of your life? Practice makes perfect.

3) I STRONGLY feel that there needs to be alternative social and dating opportunities for gay/queer men that don’t necessarily involve copious amounts of alcohol, a repetitive thumping bass, or excessive attitude. I’m not totally putting down bars, because they are one of the few environments gay/queer men can get together and socialize as a whole. I just think it’s really hard, when people are drunk, to have a decent conversation, especially in a loud, noisy, and more often than not, pretentious atmosphere. Besides, if he’s totally wasted, will he remember your face or remember to call?

4) I’m really sick and tired of hearing men say, “I’m waiting for Mr. Right, but will settle for Mr. Right now.” First of all, that means your lazy ass doesn’t really want to do the hard work of actually dating. It’s called the process of elimination, where, if you’re into monogamy (or not), you date a few people and see if anyone catches your eye over time. Plus, I think the whole “Mr. Right” thing is a myth. We’re all human, try and find someone who complements your personality and interests, who is capable of love, who is stable—NOT someone who is perfect, flawless, and incapable of fault, because guess what? Mr. Right doesn’t exist. Humans date other humans, not fantasies and myths. Don’t set up a dating situation where you or the other person you’re with are never able to live up to impossible and unrealistic standards. I’m not saying to NOT have standards (which are different for different people). I’m saying let guys be human beings.

5) What is the big deal about using the word “date”? I mean, honestly, what is the problem? Are you afraid that if you use the word “date” that somehow it means you’re automatically tied down? Last time I checked, using the word “date” did not mean you had to shack up or marry someone. Let’s be real here. Using alternative words like “hang out,” “grab coffee,” “get together,” or whatever other kinds of supposed synonyms for dating does not take away the intention of why you wanted to meet a guy in the first place—I’m not talking about hook ups, I’m talking about when you’re in dating mode. If you schedule a time to meet someone, whether at a formal or informal venue, and you spend a little money, I think that’s called a date. Maybe using the word “date” feels like pressure, but you know what? I want someone I go on a date with to be on his best behavior, to treat me with respect (whether or not he wants to see me again), to have good conversation skills, to be social, and to at least have cleaned up a bit. Don’t go on dates, if you’re not ready for a relationship. And be totally upfront with another person, if a relationship is not what you’re seeking.

Thanks for listening. Good luck braving the world of dating in Seattle. [end of post]